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In my work as an Executive Mentor I have helped a number of senior clients over the years who confront this ‘pain point’ in their Life/Work Effectiveness – they would continue working when they got home, abuse ‘smart’ devices, work mentally over the evenings and weekends and check emails constantly, keeping them in a state of stress. Habits
This is not just poor ‘Attention Management’, but can also result from not really being on top of their job competence. I freely admit I was part of this group many, many years ago when I thought I found my passion – albeit at a heavy cost in the mid-eighties. So, this month I hope this Newsletter assists the challenge you may be confronting, one that I was confronted with all those years back, as we lead up to the Festive Holiday Season.
After a long day at the office, many of us find ourselves taking out our stress on friends, children or significant others. And if we’re not careful, we allow our work stress to become home stress, often at the expense of our families and relationships or our health.
My own experience years ago – as well as the experiences of a number of clients I shared with – was that the two most common stressors were work and money – and the incidence of stress often results in irritability, anger, nervousness and anxiousness — all behaviours that can cause tension when brought home after work.
I’ve previously written about how couples can help each other cope with professional stress. But even couples who cope well together can become overwhelmed if work stress becomes too prominent an element of their relationship.
Personally, I was shattered back in the mid 80’s when my wife left me with our two little girls without a word of explanation. It took a neighbour to inform me that “when I was home, I wasn’t!”. All this was not helped by my constant business travel.
And here I was thinking all was right with the world. What I came to realise though with 100% self honesty, was that in my frenetic senior executive role at a very tender age, I was not at all well equipped to handle all the pressures of the role which I constantly had buzzing through my head, even at home – hence stress big time.
I resigned from the company and took 6 months time-out to get my emotions back together. Yes – I was a mess. But slowly but steadily, I got my act together again. I guess it is fair to say, I came out the other side, all the better for it. Certainly, more self-aware and honest to myself. Pity though my former wife and adult children, to this day, do not wish to engage with me.
The moral to this story for me personally – even though my partner apologised to me for her actions and lack of communication a couple of years after her leaving – is that it was yesterday – the past – and there is always tomorrow to get on with my newly found life.
I’ve subsequently learnt human relationships are inherently messy because they are driven more by emotional than rational factors – and thank goodness for that ……… because relationships are unpredictable and ultimately impossible to control, so are families, communities and organisations…………
We need to shift our focus from control to participation and engagement: from resistance to adaptation; from an unhealthy utopianism to a more realistic acceptance of life’s disorderliness, its irrationalities, its unpredictability, its disenchantments, as well as its joys, its gratifications and even its occasional small triumphs.
So how can you minimize the impact that work stress has on your relationship with your significant other, family and friends?
Below are five tips for keeping work stress from becoming home stress.
- Confine your work to particular times and locations. People bring their work home – and that incidence of work-life interference is higher among those who hold professional jobs with more authority, decision-making latitude, pressure and longer hours.
In today’s ever-connected world, many of us are expected to be on 24/7 and work full-time or part-time from home. When one client was a counsellor, she often was called to meet clients in moments of crisis at all hours of the day. When another was a management consultant, he often was on his laptop working late into the evenings. But if work is constantly seeping into your home life, the stresses of work will too.
So leave your work at the office. Make a rule to work from home only in exceptional circumstances, and keep work folders, computers and notebooks at your desk. If that’s not feasible for your position, designate a few hours each day for home life only — an hour during dinner or bedtime with the kids — when you can eliminate distractions and focus on family. If you work at home, don’t bring your laptop to bed or use it on your couch. Work in an office or a specified workspace. Doing this will mentally help you shut off work when you leave the room, giving you an incentive to work as efficiently as possible rather than lingering over tasks.
- Develop good mobile device habits. Perhaps the most common way in which work distraction seeps into a person’s relationships today is through smartphones. Have you ever finally decompressed in an evening only to look at your email, see something alarming, and become stressed? The average person now checks their phone 46 times per day, spending nearly five hours per day on mobile devices, leading 30% of users to consider their smartphones a “leash.”
Develop good habits and rules that keep your tablets and phones from tethering you to work. Keep two separate mobile phones — one for work and one for personal use — and leave the work phone in an out-of-the-way place (or turned off) on nights and weekends. And never check your work email in the hour or two prior to bed. Multiple studies have found that staring at a phone before bed can negatively impact your brain’s ability to prepare for sleep, and sleep deprivation is linked closely to stress. When on vacation, lock work-related mobile devices in the hotel safe and check them only at predetermined times.
- Establish a good support network. Significant others can be amazing partners in dealing with stress. But to place all your work stress on a spouse or partner is unfair to them and dangerous to your relationship. Develop a support network of friends and mentors who can help you manage your professional stress so that it isn’t the burden solely of your significant other. Lower stress levels become apparent in people with a strong social support network. Having people to lean on in times of stress can increase your ability to cope with problems independent of your network, as being supported increases autonomy and self-esteem.
- Have an end-of-work habit. Sometimes your brain needs a signal to prepare you for time at home. It’s even better if this signal can help you decompress. For example, my management consultant client uses his afternoon commute to unwind — taking a more scenic route home, listening to music or the news and giving himself time to switch gears for family life. Others I’ve spoken to have mentioned hitting the gym, running, meditating and other rituals. Think about what helps you unwind, and find space in your schedule for this habit — particularly at the end of a long day at work — so that when you return home you’re free of the baggage that’s built up throughout the day.
- Create a third space. When professionals have families, their entire lives can revolve around their responsibilities at work and at home. Busy executives run home to help with kids — changing diapers or shuttling preteens to soccer games — or to do the little things that keep a home humming, like laundry, yard work or cooking. But having a third space outside of work and home can help enormously with stress management.
Each partner in a relationship should maintain habits and times that allow them to explore their interests, relax and seek fulfillment, and find space outside of home and work. These spaces are different for everyone — quiet cafes, book clubs, fishing, karate classes, poker nights — but they are important for maintaining our identities and our sense of peace. Make the sacrifice of offering your partner a third space to find themselves, maintain their friendships, and explore their interests, and ask that they do the same for you. Third spaces mean no person runs from responsibility to responsibility without having time to breathe.
Work stress can be a challenge for home life. Learning to manage stress — by working with your partner to cope and by keeping some of your professional stress outside the house — can contribute to better relationships and better physical and mental health.
What leaders say is far less important than what they do. That’s one of the clearest conclusions I drew from a recent study focused on how they experience their lives at work in a global, Australian-based IT firm.
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The average Facebook user spends almost an hour on the site every day, according to data provided by one company last year. A Deloitte survey found that for many smartphone users, checking social media apps are the first thing they do in the morning – often before even getting out of bed. Of course, social interaction is a healthy and necessary part of human existence. Thousands of studies have concluded that most human beings thrive when they have strong, positive relationships with other human beings. Continue reading
I have an Executive client who used to wake up, stumble over to the phone, and immediately get lost in a stream of pointless notifications. This digital haze continued throughout the day, keeping him from accomplishing important tasks. He was distracted, anxious and ineffective as a leader. He knew he had to change but could not seem to break free from the behaviours that kept him locked into the same cycle. Continue reading
Do you check your wireless device when you’re not working? What causes you to do so? Does the job require it? Do you like feeling needed? Not sleeping enough?
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Discussions and negotiations between family members who own a business are different – different from negotiations between non-family members and also different from negotiations between family members who don’t have equity. This is because family relationships are distinctive kinds of relationships, and having a family business raises the stakes of – and often complicates – a frank family discussion.